I’ve been a father for over eight years now and my role has changed a number of times within that period – from new dad, to separated parent and now full-time father. I have experienced the parenting spectrum from all angles and I’ve even had an insight into what it’s like to be mum since my role at present has to cover all bases.
Jeff Brazier
Throughout all of these changes in perspective, the one thing that has remained consistent is the absolute passion I have for trying to be a good father. I don’t claim to have all the answers and inevitably I sometimes get it wrong, but it’s the desire to succeed as a dad that helps me lift my family back onto its feet whenever something knocks us down – from little things like Bobby getting frustrated with his homework to the very worst life can throw at you, like the boys losing their mum.
They say we are a product of our environment and it’s intriguing how people’s actions, let alone their genes, can influence you 20 years later. I believe my own my childhood experiences helped me to deal with family dramas I’ve faced as an adult.
My life story is the sort of tale that would be the envy of any X Factor hopeful – or one that would be sure to carry them through to the judges houses stage at the very least! I’ll explain – my mum was 15 when she fell pregnant to a 19-year-old lad called Steve Faldo. Steve ran a mile when he learned he was to be a father, but despite all those around her demanding that she had a termination, my mum had the sense (or stupidity) to go ahead with the pregnancy – and along I came.
After four years of foster care, a dodgy marriage between my mum and stepdad, us running away to a women’s shelter and then being re-housed in a secret location, my mum decided to sit me down at the age of 13 and ask me if I’d like to meet my real nan and grandad. Even though I’d always been told that my stepdad Rob was my real dad, I wasn’t really surprised.
I had a flashback to a moment when my stepdad had punched his way back into a flat that we had been evicted from. As we sat in the bathroom and I watched him run cold water over the blood that was streaming from his hand, I recall saying, “Rob, your hand’s bleeding”. Now you don’t call your real dad by his first name, do you?
Talk about the pieces of the puzzle falling together in an instant! My reply to my mum was direct, “Why not meet my real dad?” It was then I learned that my biological father had been the skipper of the Marchioness, a pleasure boat that sank in the Thames after a collision with a dredger in 1989.
I took the news relatively well – it’s hard to experience loss when you’ve never actually had that person in your life – it just felt like a terrible shame, a waste of a relationship that could have been. However, life’s all about decisions and my dad – Steve – made his in 1978 when he did a runner.
Some 23 years later, I am given the news that my girlfriend Jade is pregnant and the effects of my past are about to become apparent. My instinctive reaction to the news was to swear to myself that I wouldn’t be the man my biological father was. I wouldn’t run and I wouldn’t shirk my responsibilities – in fact, I welcomed them. So along came Bobby, and then, equally as unexpectedly, Freddy too.
You all know how the relationship went, but as the years ticked on it turned out that I did have what it takes to be a “good dad”. I guess I simply treat my children how I would like to have been treated myself. Everything I missed out on – the affection, the closeness, the father-son time – I’m going to make sure my boys get in bucket-loads.
If I was to directly answer the question, “What does being a parent mean to you?” I would say it means having the chance to put right the bad decisions and the irresponsibility that influenced my childhood. It’s a chance for me to prove that just because I didn’t have a role model growing up, doesn’t mean I can’t be a great dad. Who needs a role model? I just make it up as I go along!
People talk about “family traits” and suggest that issues can be passed down from generation to generation. I’ve always believed that we have a choice. Apparently I’m a lot like my dad in many ways, which can only be down to my genes, but I’m proud that at a young age I was able break “absent parent” cycle and I’m pretty sure that in years to come Bobby and Freddy will be proud too.
I’ve always tried to take the best from people around me. My stepdad Rob demanded respect and I was hardly ever naughty – in fact, I barely spoke until I was 13! While I’m nowhere near as hard on my kids, I am able to say that I have their respect and I’m grateful to have an understanding of how important that is. Put it this way, they won’t be looting JD Sports.
Like so many in my family, my Granddad Jack was completely unable to express his emotions, but he took me in when I started my YTS training as a footballer and I lived with him for three enjoyable years, driving him slightly mad in the process! Some of my most precious childhood memories are of me and Granddad going to car boot sales – I always came home with loads of annuals: Beano, Dandy, Whizzer & Chips – I loved reading them all.
My Nanny Pam re-married and moved to a beautiful cottage in Berkshire, but granddad and I would still visit her most Sundays. I remember those visits as days of calm at a time when my young parents could provide nothing but drama. My auntie Jackie was another big influence as I grew up – assertive and to-the-point, she was a tough East End character with very high standards, but was always fun to be around. Sadly, just like Nanny Pam and Granddad Jack, Auntie Jackie was taken by cancer.
Childhood shapes the individual, and it is loving family members, like the ones I’ve mentioned, who made me the man I am today. I want pass on to my kids the good tools I was given – to teach them how to make the right decisions to appreciate what a gift life is. Above all else, I have a responsibility to carry on the memory of their mother and it’s all a challenge I thrive on.
What would I be if I wasn’t a dad? I’d be half the man I am today. The fulfillment and satisfaction I feel when I see Bob make a sweeping tackle at football or see Fred enjoying school is immeasurable. Of course we have our arguments and our flaws, but we are a family – a really close and content team. There’s such a bond between us and I have high hopes for the future: even though my boys have been cheated in some respects, they are privileged in so many others, and we must count our blessings.
Before you have kids, your life revolves around relationships, money, appearances and social standing. When you become a parent, you gain a true purpose in life and discover the motivation to do whatever it takes to make your children proud. So what does being a dad mean to me? Well, being a good dad – in my book, that’s the true mark of a man.
